Post 4 - If Seth MacFarlane hosted Filmfare

Opening Monologue

Welcome everyone to Filmfare 2013. Yash Chopra is dead, so is Dev Anand, Rajesh Khanna and Shammi Kapoor. So, there's a little bit of crisis on whom to confer the Lifetime achievement Award. Thank God for AK Hangal. Well, he's dead too. So, let it be. 

The quest to make Vineet Jain wealthier begins now. 

We have a surreal array of adapted, copied, remade films on display tonight one of which will take home this black statue, again adapted from the Oscars. So apt. We have Anurag Basu with us, the guy who put together a lot of scenes from Charlie Chaplin movies (and a dozen others) and called it Barfi. Before Barfi, Mr Basu directed the hugely popular Hollywood movie 'The Notebook'. We know it as Barfi. Also, he's the one who directed 'That Apartments'. We know it as 'Life in a Metro'. If nothing else you have to admire this man for his movie library subscription. Who cares? Pritam doesn't. Pritam is nominated tonight under the 'Best Original soundtrack' category. To be honest let's call it 'Best adapted Soundtrack' category. Pritam met me backstage and behind all those facial and head hair of his, he's actually a human being. Also, to clarify, he isn't the same guy as Anil Kapoor. Pritam told me he's honoured merely by the fact that AR Rehman isn't nominated for this. 

Vidya Balan, as she sees herself

Vidya Balan, as we see her

Also, we have Anurag Kashyap with us. He made seven original movies last year out of the total of seven original movies made in the Hindi film industry. Of course, he named all seven of them Gangs of Wasseypur. He bought violence back in the mainstream cinema, he also bought unattractive, short, puny men back on the screen as 'lead protagonist' after the departure of Jeetendra and Raghupal Yadav from the scene. Our jury went to see the movie when it was released last year but they are yet to return from the screening six months into it. Update is that they are way past the interval, as we speak, and shall be back before Nawazuddin Siddiqui grows up to be a full-fledged hairy Indian man. 

Talking about hairy Indian men, Akshay Kumar is here, sitting besides Anil Kapoor. Together they are like this one-big-waxing-bill. Akshay Kumar is nominated for 'the best supporting actor' for Shilpa Shetty and Raj Kundra's first child aka OMG!

I have the honour of introducing Irrfan Khan, who has been nominated for his role of an Indian athelete in Paan Singh Tomar. He's a Khan, but he can actually act. He couldn't attend today's function as he's busy getting the VISA for the Oscars. Since, he's a Khan, he's having issues getting one. You guys wouldn't know but Irrfan Khan is now an internationally renowned actor and has played key roles in movies such as The Namesake, New York, I Love You, A Mighty Heart, Slumdog Millionaire, The Amazing Spider-Man,  Life of Pi and most importantly, Aliens and the Cowboys, he played a horse in that movie. He's the real global face of the Hindi film industry. Let's call him Aishwarya Rai Bachchan sans the Oprah Winfrey interview. 

We also have John Abraham present tonight, whose film Vicky Donor has been nominated as the best 'release' of the year. Also, John Abraham has been nominated for 'the best sex screen of the year' with his fairness cream. Last year's winners 'Katrina Kaif and Mango Slice' shall present the award this year.

If you think Aamir Khan isn't with us tonight, think again. I am Aamir Khan playing Seth Macfarlane as the host. I am that good.