Post 1 - Mahakumbh, India's Rio equivalent

It's that time of the year when we go to Allahabad with a younger sibling and come back alone. It's called Mahakumbh, backpacking Jews in India would know. Or, as Manmohan Desai knows it Nirupama Roy-is-going-to-lose-all-her-kids event.  If you have no clue what I am talking about, obviously you are from Bandra, born in 1990s, sport Justin Beiber hairdo and believe Ben Kingsley is the father of nation. This piece isn't meant for you. BTW, it's 70% off at Zara.

Now, that the pretentious Bandra crowd has left I'd like to confess something - I can't afford a place there so I hate them. Anyway, for everyone's benefit, who isn't a tree-hugging hippie, and who doesn't live in Haridwar on a fake passport, basically Bangladeshis, here's a short history of the largest stampede in the world - Mahakumbh.

A glimpse of the Indian Baywatch. No, don't rub your eyes, certain parts in the picture have been blurred. 

Mahakumbh, also known as the Indian Baywatch, is a Hindu pilgrimage of faith in which people with no water connection at home gather at a sacred river for a bath. The festival is usually attended by people with expensive cameras and producers of ugly people porn genre. The festival takes place at a gap of twelve years at one of the four sacred places: Allahabad, Haridwar, Ujjain and Nashik and daily between 8 AM to 10 AM and 6 PM to 8 PM at Dadar and Kurla. The main attraction of the festival are Naga Babas. As the name suggests they are naked and they are related to versatile tone-deaf rapper Baba Sehgal.

It's very easy to identify a Naga Sadhu in a crowd of 100 million (number of people expected to attend Mahakumbh at Allahabad). Take Bob Marley hairdo add Robert Pattinson's pale skin, Hugh Hefner's wrinkles, playmate Sherlyn Chopra's wardrobe and Tommy Lee Jones' long beak. Put all the ingredients together add complexion of Samuel L Jackson, shake it a little and Naga Sadhu is ready.

Robert Pattinson + Bob Marley + Hugh Hefner + Sherlyn Chopra + Samuel L Jackson = Naga Sadhu 

Naked Monks (that's how I shall refer Naga Sadhus henceforth keeping in mind South Bombay crowd) smoke pot, not like the neighbourhood boy with a Furtados guitar in tow, but more like Syd Barrett, Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison put together. The belief is that smoking chillum will lead them to Nirvana (not Kurt Cobain's album), but instead results show that post smoking weed these monks end up attaining blondes from Nelson, British Columbia region. In fact, these sadhus can be seen teaching yoga sadhana to some of these blonde western hippie chicks during night at riverside camps. Though, it is highly coincidental that the sadhana position is similar to that of 69, as described in holy book of Kamasutra.

These sadhus are known for their man-are-you-high rituals. For example, some Naga sadhus wear eleven thousand Rudrakhsa beads in sheer respect of Lord Shiva. But, most tourists mistake them for beads shop at Janpath and start bargaining with them. Some Naga Sadhus are believed to practice copulation with the dead. Actually, it's not true. This rumour started when a Naga Sadhu was spotted having intercourse with Arjun Rampal.

These Naga Sadhus belong to different Akharas (camps) - for example Yash Raj camp, Karan Johar Camp, Salman Khan camp and Rohit Shetty camp. The sadhus of Yash Raj and Karan Johar camp are always naked under their heavy Manish Malhotra attire, while sadhus of Salman Khan camp are mostly bare-chested unless they are in their Being Human tees. Sadhus of Rohit Shetty camp are known for their acrobatic skills including pulling a car with power of their testicles. 

Mahakumbh is popular among all sections of Indian society. While, the middle and lower middle class call it Mahakumbh, the upper middle class know it as Kalaghoda festival. More on this in another post.